longing hearts
by CHINESE FIREDRILL
Summary: larxene wants axel but axel wants roxas omg! WHAT WILL HAPPEN rated T for language lolz
1. it begins

"hey sexy" said larxene resting her head against the door frame as she took in the lucious man candy in front of her with narrowed cat-like eyes

"oh" said axel his tone quickly deepening in dissapointment "i thought you were roxas what are you doing here"

"oh i'm just looking for some way to spend my time" larxene said studying her nails "do you want to like fool around or something"

"not really"

"oh come on you faggot"

"i'm not a faggot!"

"oh don't bullshit yourself i've seen how you look at that little kid. you realize you're a little old for him"

"fuck you skank at least i don't try to fuck everyone on two legs"

"at least i'm not a fucking pedophile"

"say that to my face you bitch"

"i DID say that to your face i'm standing right in front of you"

meanwhile roxas sat in the other room making grumpy faces at namine "did you hear that namine" he said "she's making moves on my man"

"why don't you go in there and shut her up then" she said as she doodled

"well i'm too scared" roxas admitted looking away "she'd probably rape me or something"

"at least you'd be getting some pussy for the first time in your life" said namine

"namine this is very out of character for you"

"IS IT, ROXAS."

"...y...yes normally you're a nice girl and you don't say things like pussy" roxas sighed "i wish hayner was here i could go for some hayner"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY" screamed axel from the other room

"hayner is totally into seifer roxas" said namine

"what no way" cried roxas

"yeah way it's obvious"

"what the fuck are you talking about"

"hayner is into seifer"

"what no way"

"dude i just said yeah way it's totally fucking obvious"

"no way"

"roxas if you say no way one more time i'm going to snap your neck"

"but they hate each other"

"yeah but haven't you ever heard of hatesex"

"how does this work"

"you hate each other and then you have sex, dumbshit"

OH GOD I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE THE END 


	2. and so on

"aaaaxxeeeeellll"

"oh god not again didn't i just get rid of you"

"nope"

"well go away i have no interest in your womanly ways"

"oh come on axel don't be a dick"

"why is it every time i tell you to fuck off you start insulting me instead of fucking off"

"how am i supposed to fuck anything if you don't let me fuck you"

"what are you talking about"

"come on axel i only want to do it once"

"lie"

"NO AXEL come on why are you so reluctant you seemed willing enough before that little bitch came hopping around you know eventually we're going to have to lock him in a virtual reality and then he'll be part of a three-hour intro then dissapear for the rest of the game"

"what the fuck are you talking about"

"don't play stupid with me you know roxas is hopin' for some seifer"

"roxas is hopin' for some hayner, not seifer, you idiot, and NO HE'S NOT"

"come on you know he has unclean thoughts"

"larxene don't make me strangle you"

"axel if you don't fuck me right now i'm going to rape you"

"i'd like to see you try"

"what do you think it would be hard look at your tiny little arms you're like a fucking tooth pick i could rape you all day and you'd just have to sit there, grooving on it"

"why won't you just take no for an answer why don't you go have sex with marluxia or something i'm sure he'd be willing"

"oh come on axel, MARLUXIA? is that the best you can do? is there some MENTAL LINK between gay pedophiles or something because honestly he's more of a pedophile than you"

"larxene just because you're emotionally dead doesn't mean your insults don't hurt the rest of us"

"axel what the fuck none of us have hearts"

"but we still feel"

"no we DON'T you idiot none of us feel"

"but i like roxas"

"that makes no SENSE THIS WHOLE THING MAKES NO SENSE WE DON'T HAVE HEARTS WE CAN'T FEEL WE CAN'T DIG EACH OTHER I JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX"

"jesus larxene calm down"

"why is this such a big DEAL FOR YOU AXEL you were willing enough before roxas came skippin along"

"it was different then, and no i wasn't it was just having sex with you was easier than having to listen to you bitch all day about it"

"well if it was easier then why isn't it easier now"

"larxene please"

"axel please just have sex with me"

"larxene there are like ELEVEN different guys you could fuck the hell out of why does it have to be me"

"because we're the author's otp"

"larxene is there something more going on here"

"no i just want to jump your god damn bones"

"are you sure you don't dig me"

"axel you look like a fucking hedgehog who would dig that"

"r...roxas digs that..."

"roxas is an idiot, he eats sea salt flavoured ice cream bars"

"hey shut up they taste delicious"

"they're fucking SEA SALT FLAVOURED what the fuck why couldn't it have been something actually good like i don't know CHOCOLATE"

"WE HAVE REFINED TASTE BUDS OKAY WE LIKE SEA SALT FLAVOURED ICE CREAM BARS"

"I BET YOU JUST LIKE IT BECAUSE THE SALTY TASTE REMINDS YOU OF SEMEN"

"NO BECAUSE IF THE SALTY TASTE REMINDED ANYONE OF SEMEN YOU'D BE ALL OVER IT!"

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHAPTER THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. and then there were two and then three

roxas was looking through castle oblivion he was bored and he wanted to find axel he was new to the castle and he didn't have much to do

he found axel sitting in a room with his head smashed into a mirror

"axel what the hell"

axel looked up "oh hi roxas"

"are you okay"

"yeah why"

"well your head was smashed into the mirror i was wondering what was up"

"well i was talking to larxene and she smashed my face into a mirror because i wouldn't have sex with her and next thing i knew you were talking to me"

"that's kind of rough"

"well at least she didn't rape me this time"

"axel don't you think that finding humour in rape isn't very funny"

"sure it is"

"but it's such a cheap way out and very insensitive, why don't we find some form of sophistication in our jokes"

"like what"

"um why not jokes about the stock market"

"but that would imply the author has some form of knowledge in what goes on in a stock market, which she does not"

"well capcom is making that stock market game maybe after playing that we can make fun of stock markets"

"why would we want to, though"

"well i don't know"

"roxas what did you come in here for i am utterly perplexed"

"well i don't know my way around and i thought i'd hang out with you"

"what happened to namine"

"she got so mad about shipping she created a black hole with her rage and got sucked into it by accident"

"what then what happened"

"i don't know" roxas stroked his chin thoughtfully

"well" axel said "if you really want we can get into a homosexual relationship"

"how cliched"

"yep"

"axel didn't you burn someone alive back in chain of memories"

"er roxas that hasn't happened yet, we're still pre-chain of memories"

"what the hell but you're so mild mannered, i thought that was only post-chain of memories"

"are you implying we're supposed to be in character, roxas"

"good point"

suddenly xigbar, the hottest man alive, came stomping into the room, his eye patch glistening in the sunlight. he stopped mere inches from the two bickering boys, an almost holy glow emanating from his crotch. the two organization members didn't know what to say, so they just wondered why his crotch was glowing.

OH IT'S A CLIFF HANGER

TO BE CONTINUED?????????????????????

WHY AM I STILL WRITING THESE 


	4. marluxia has a homosexual experience

MEANWHILE, IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLACE

"hey sora now we're in the story" said riku "the author must have a point to prove"

sora was lying on a field looking at the sky the sky was sparkling with stars like some kind of vampire it was the skies of a killer (OHHHHH HO HO) he looked across the field at riku who was flexing his muscles

"what are you doing"

"oh nothing just getting ready to rock your world" said riku giving sora a good shot of the awesome face

"i'm scared"

"oh don't be sora just let me reach around right he-- AAAAAHHH WHAT IS THIS TRICKERY"

"it's a keyblade in your motherfucking eye, cocksucker" sora snarled "what the fuck do you think you're doing"

"i was just going in for the rape" whimpered poor riku

"riku what the hell i've murdered like fifty thousand heartless most of the organization and i've kicked your ass like three times why do you think you could rape me if anything i'd be the one raping your ass"

"well idk i'm sorry i thought i was better than you but i was wrong"

"well at least you told the truth and said you're sorry, and that's the best lesson of all"

BACK TO THE CURRENT SITUATION

"SUP, CHILDREN" boomed xigbar. axel prayed he didn't shit his pants

"uh n-n-n-nothing sir" stammered r-r-r-roxas

"OKAY WELL I'LL BE RIGHT OVER HERE" said xigbar as he walked up the wall and perched on the ceiling examining the two members, his one eye bugging out like a crazy thing

axel and roxas exchanged looks before going on with their conversation

"so what were we talking about"

"man i don't know"

"hmm... so.... hey, so, roxas, if the game explicitly states that organization members don't have emotions, then what is the motivation for their actions in the game? after all, without the emotion of greed or longing there's no excuse to go after things"

"well axel it is stated that they remember what it was LIKE to feel them"

"yes roxas but you can remember what it's like to feel sad but that's not anything like actually feeling sad"

"well perhaps it's like, they know what they should be feeling in a certain situation and so they react to a given situation with the emotion that would be produced by that situation. (an: SITUATION SITUATION!!!) for example, i could snap your arm, and although it would not technically make you feel any sense of anger, sadness, and/or fear, you would portray yourself as feeling in that way so that you would have a reason to get yourself away from danger. perhaps the search for hearts is so they can get emotions, and therefore have reasons to avoid being killed, hurt, etc."

"what are you talking about"

"man, i don't know"

"well demyx says that they 'do too have hearts', what are your feelings on that?"

"well yen sid does say that some of them think they do have hearts"

"hmmm and in one of the extras included in kingdom hearts 2 final mix, there is a scene where demyx is ordered to go after sora and his party. he expresses reluctance up to the point where he is reminded that he doesn't have feelings; then he goes regardless of the danger. indeed, when you have your second fight against him, he again shows fear and doubt, until he is provoked, upon which he shows a drastic change in character and actively chooses to attack sora and his gang. the sudden change is curious."

"indeed"

"hmmm"

"so what decision have we reached with this"

"uhhh we, in our refusal to admit that a certain game is badly flawed, are making a bunch of excuses and reasons for contradictions in a video game, when really it's obvious that square enix just didn't think things through."

"does it really matter though it's a game such deep thought about it doesn't really fit, right? and it's not like kingdom hearts is some deep mature game; it's obviously made for kids"

"well, not exactly kids, i wouldn't say that. but yeah, i get what you're saying"

"good thing this is just the author talking to herself, otherwise we might have gotten into a fight"

"CEILING XIGBAR IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE" screamed xigbar from the ceiling 


	5. pregnancy is great huh

an: i actually still have to play chain of memories. I'M GETTIN THERE!!!

"veeeexeeennnn"

vexen stiffened as a familiar whine echoed down the hall towards him with all the characteristics of a ghostly wail. as in it was all like "):" and scary

he sighed and turned around to see larxene being angry and making her way over to him

"sigh" he sighed

"axel doesn't like me" said larxene sadly

"i don't care"

"ohhh"

"why are you even talking to me neither of us like each other ACTUALLY YOU AND AXEL ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF ME"

"what" said larxene rubbing the back of her neck like some kind of other character i own "we thought you were in on that we were just jokin around"

"yeah my dick you were"

"vexen why you gotta be so mean"

"why you gotta be a bitch now go fuck off i am doing Science"

larxene let out an angry roar that shook the ceiling and wandered off through the castle she was sad and angry and feeling bitter her heart ached like you wouldnt believe and ravens flew in her eyes pecking at her pupils she wanted to fuck axel but axel was too busy being a pedophile it was time to go hang out with marluxia her other option for a relationship (who was also a pedophile??? what the hell) ... wait a second i think i might have my pairings wrong is larxene/marluxia moderately popular? fuck idk let's pretend it is

marluxia was in the middle of a rousing game of soduko. ...sudoku. yeah whatever

he glared at the puzzle like it had punched his grandma his brow furrowed and licked his lips nervously before tentatively writing a 4 in a box. suddenly the puzzle exploded and marluxia let out a SKREEEEEM and flailed around on the floor. larxene watched

when marluxia saw her watching he got to his feet and brushed himself off and gave her a smile

"oh larxene i didn't see you there"

"what was that"

"ENOUGH OF YOUR SEARCHING, PRYING QUESTIONS I MUST HAVE YOU" marluxia flung himself across the room like a jungle cat. larxene, surprised at the fact that a man was ready to have sex with her, had no time to react and was soon six months pregnant.

"what"

"i will call him marly, jr" said marluxia proudly, twirling some of his super awesome pink hair while fluttering his eyelashes

"no way this is too much i'm headin for the stairs" larxene said as she jogged out of the room

"NOOOO" skreemed marluxia as he leapt in the way "have you gone mad woman you can't kill my baby"

"i don't see why not it's half my baby"

"i'll kill you before you can kill the baby"

"if you kill me you WILL kill the baby"

"i'll kill myself before you can kill the baby"

"good! because then i can kill the baby"

"man what are we talking about"

during marlooshuh's momentary confusion larxene made a break for it except the baby kicked her in the ribs and she doubled over in pain

"what the hell was that"

"everyone knows marluxia babies are twenty times more awesome as regular babies they know the best places to kick" marluxia stated proudly "also they have heat vision"

"man i'm fucked"

TO BE CONTINUED: WHAT WILL LARXENE DO WITH HER AND MARLUXIA'S BABY? HOW WILL AXEL REACT? ETC. ETC. 


	6. stephanie jumps the shark

an: hi guys it's been four months. how have you been? i'm doing this instead of my homework looooool

larxene sadly wandered around a garden arms wrapped around her pregnant belly she spotted axel approaching and felt scared what if he punched her marluxia's baby would rip itself out of her stomach like some kind of alien renesmee and murder him

then again maybe that wouldn't be so bad

"holy shit larxene" axel got it memorized "you got really fat"

"you fuck head i'm not fucking fat i was raped" larxene cried "i am a good christian so i will not kill the baby"

"well if you want i could kill the baby"

"actually i just addressed that in a previous paragraph i don't think that would work out so well"

suddenly vexen appeared as he often does

"if you want i could totally give you an abortion" cried vexen "as long as you don't mind me leaping in there for a second"

"leaping in where"

"oh you'll see" waggledy waggling eyebrows

suddenly out of nowhere the fanfic turned into a crossover as luke fon fabre suddenly appeared holding the bloody and beaten body of mieu

"i swear to god guy" he said "i totally didn't think stomping on his head would kill him"

"but luke i told you to stop and he was screaming for like five minutes" said guy "just like i screamed when my family was killed"

"yeah that cutscene was hilarious" said luke reminiscedly "i wish my family could be killed in such a comical manner"

"fuck you" cried guy "you make me sad"

"who the fuck are these guys" yelled larxene D:

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR: STRANGE FETISHES WE DIDN'T THINK EXISTED! do YOU know what autassassinophilia is???? hint: it doesn't have much to do with asses

how about geontophilia? this one's kind of gross ): 


	7. sun chips are the best chips

meanwhile, at the hall of justice

sora sneered as he browsed /v/ angrily hitting the reply button to the weekly "BROWNAN BLOOM" thread

"you're all stupid trolls!!!" he typed angrily smashing his keyboard to pieces "why can't it be like the good old days!!!! GAMES ARE RUINED FUCKING CASUAAAAAALLLLSSS"

riku snuck up behind him holding two packs of m & ms and hot sauce

"you know what time it is sora" he said wagglan his eyebrows like some kind of wiimote

"no riku i have no time for your questionable fetishes" sora angried "i have to tach these newfags who is the boss"

"who is the boss"

"I AM THE BOSS"

riku mulled this over and said "well, i'm going to go out to my psychiatrist now he says that my overdependance on casual sex may be a sign of bipolar disorder"

sora sat up straight in his computer chair eyes wide as dinner plates or maybe some kind of fish and slowly turned towards riku and said "cccc.......CASUAL....??"

riku stared "yes..."

"CASUAL??!?!? CASUUUAAAALLL" sora quickly picked up his computer moniter and smashed it over riku's head "I'LL KILL YOU I'LL KILL YOU"

((atuhor's nose: YOU WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))

"AH NO SORA PLEASE NO"

"JUST GET OUT OF HERE I HATE YOU"

"I'M SORRY I'M SORRY PLEASE AAAAAAAAA"

when sora was done riku was dead. making a quick nyoro~n face sora imediately began maing plans on how to dispose of the body he knew what to do he had to ask quentin tarantino

"quentin tarantino can you help me throw out this body" sora asked

"sora you stupid fuck my wife is going to be here at 6 she works the night shift at the hospital and she is going to leave me you baka" quentin tarantino said p.s. he knows fluent nipponese!!!!!!!!!!!

"i'm sorry quentin tarantino but you are the only person who can help me"

"well okay but here's the plan desu"

"okay"

"you get some salt and pepper And i'll grab some mustard kashira"

"but i hate mustard"

"find i'll get some keychup as well and we'll eat the boku body"

"are you sure that is nutritious:

"of course baka it is it is all natural now eat it"

sora began to eat riku's body and he ate and he ate and soon riku was ate

"but sora i didn't even put on any salt nyaaaa" cried qyuentin tarantinoi

"nyoro~~~n" nyoro~ned sora sheepingly

meanwhile in the bat cave

vexen sat there doing Science he experimented with some things and experimented with some other things and suddenly xigbar walked in (XIGBAR IS FUKKIN SMEXY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

"HELLO, PUNY EARTHLING" boomed xigbar as he quickly ripped off all his clothes off

"xigbar are you sure this is the time of the place" asked vexen, quivering in his boots

"IT IS ALWAYS THE PLACE, SILLY HUMAN" said xigbar and all the beakers in the room shattered sending poisonous toxins into the air and acid through the floor and mutant rats on the loose

"you stupid person" yelled vexen!! "you've ruined my Science now what will i do i fucking"

"I AM SORRY, IT IS HARD TO CONTROL MY VOICE! WA HA HA" said xigbar

OKAY THIS IS STUPID

NEXT CHAPTER: MY PENIS 


	8. what could this be a reference of

riku sat at his table in science class he was making an experiements and he was trying really really fuckling hard

"riku!" sora yelld

"CHRIST" riku threw all his shit onto the floor and made a huge mess. he glared at sora madly and crossed his hips

"sora it's rteally rude if you sur[rse people when they do are doing their experiments for school," riku said "you should learn to prACTICE discresion".

"okay i'm sorry riku" said sora and he made a sad face. "i guess that was mean"

so they did they speriments

later they were walking home from the school because it was a highschol and they went there when they werent going on adventurs through world. sora was real the keyblade mastr and his nickname was vanitas with all the drug dealings

he had some problems like he was depressed by the way and also he got really mad from depres? and it was scary too and he took all the depression pills.

riku was heading home from the school when he bumpt into kairi who say

"riku you are coming from the home from the school but werent you witrh sora?" and riku says "well sora went off on his own but i am sure he is pokay because sora is a happy guy

"no he';s not" sayd kairi

"oh right, shit"

so they goes after sora but they ends up kissing forever and kissing a lot and making out and riku put his tonge in kairis mouth and felt it up really nice and touched all her teeth and noticed that nher wisdom teeth wer due to come out but didnt tell kairis becaus hse nshould have seen her dentist and found out for herself fso if she is taken by surprise it is her own fault! go see your dentest every few months

sira comes and sees

"oh no!" he ses "no i am even more deperesss" and he punch riku a lot

"aw man" says kairi "i reallly hate it when this happens because i am also depres! because i am infertile" and she is sad because what other use does a woman hacve am i right?

kairi quacked with fear "now that i am sterile i will become a nonwoman" she says "or my only choice is to become a jezebel but pleasz i dont wan go to the colonies"

"its ok kairi" sed sora "you can be my handmaid but we'll just stuff you with my magic keyblade semen okay" and he sticks his keyblADE into her vagoo and used his keylbade to unlock her vagina key wich makes her not steriel anymore and kairis name is ofsora now

te end!


End file.
